26 April 2011

Green Monster

I've always had a jealousy problem. Never about material things. I was lucky to grow up in an upper middle class family where I never wanted for material things that I needed but there were always intangibles that I wanted and never got like a sibling.

Now I'm feeling jealous as my grad program winds down about people who are settling into relationships, jobs, futures and I'm stagnant sitting on my bed in the house I've lived in for the last 12 years. I know that things will work out but I'm jealous of the people who its working out for sooner.

Yesterday was one of the first nice days in a really long time in DC so I decided to eat my lunch outside instead in the Dining Facility. The perimeter of the hospital doubles as a walking/running track for physical therapy as well as any employees who are more motivated then me and go running on their break. As I was sitting eating my wrap a couple walked by. They weren't much older then I was if they were as old at all. They seemed to just be taking a break from appointments and the hustle and bustle of the hospital. They walked for awhile and then as they walked past me I watched the husband reach for his wife's hand and give it a gentle squeeze. It was incredibly sweet. He glanced over at here every once and awhile and though said nothing I could see how much he loved, wanted and desired his wife.

I want that. Its not that I think they deserve it any less or I deserve it any more. But I feel like I deserve it also. That want of another person, to spend time with, to touch, to reach over and grab their hand because in that moment I can't and they can't imagine not touching even a little bit. Its been exactly a year since I've been with someone who has wanted that. Perhaps thats what has set off this bit of jealousy.

The other thing that has set this off is that a girl who will be graduating alongside me this spring just announced that she'd accepted a full time job as a therapist. I looked up the organization and I'm not even remotely jealous of what she'll be doing but I'm jealous that her life is settled. That she knows where she'll be working. I've sent out hundreds of resumes and thus far had 1 offer (that I had to turn down) and 2 phone interviews and thats it. I'm still waiting for the Army fellowship I've been told about and asked to apply for to figure out their damn application process. Its what I really want and what I hope that the fates are pushing me towards by not giving me other opportunities.

The Green Monster is a terrible beast

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