Inconceivable

Whenever I think of the word inconceivable I always think of The Princess Bride. Especially the line at the end of this montage "You keep using this word I do not think it means what you think it means".

There have been a number of things in my life that I find inconceivable--finding a mate, finding a job that fulfills me, owning a home--but of these finding a mate is the biggest one. I have dated only sporadically in my 26 years and most of these relationships could be called casual at best, if we were being generous. They tended to be complicated with long distance or other assorted baggage which made them either short lived or long drawn out and dramariffic. Its a pattern I'm trying desperately to change but in the meantime it makes it hard for me to conceive of how a real relationship is supposed to work.

Today one of my favorite bloggers tweeted about the flowers that her husband had sent her a work. Which got me to thinking about how I cannot even conceive of a man who would send me flowers out of nowhere "just because" or really if I'm being brutally honest (a strange thing for a semipublic blog) a man who would send me flowers on days of commercial obligation (valentines day, birthday, anniversary etc). The only flowers I've gotten that haven't come from friends or family was the rose I got on Senior night in high school for being a Wrestling Manager and I'm pretty sure there was no romantic intention behind that.

I can conceive of a man who will call me at 2 am for a booty call, a man who will choose Iraq over me, a man who ask for my support while recovering from a serious injury but leave when he's healed, a man who will constantly disregard my interests and manipulate me into seeing his choice of movie or restaurant, etc etc. Just like some women cannot draw up an imagine in their mind of their future home or children or wedding dress. I cannot conjure up in my mind a future man who says "I'm thinking of you when we're not together and I want you to know that."

And honestly before you think this is some sort of gift grubbing post its not about the flowers (though I love gerber daisies future boyfriends take note!) My love language is actually acts of service. But its the fact that someone is thinking about you and cares about you enough to do something nice. The flowers could just as easily be a facebook message, text, tweet, phone call etc its the the thought more than the action.

But I have no conception of what this looks like or feels like. I can't conceive of a man puts his hand on mine as we drive to dinner or reaches up to tuck a stray hair into place. That kind of man feels like the same level of fantasy as Justin Timberlake walking into my office right now and inviting me to grab some lunch. Completely out of the realm of normal possibility.  Reserved for those with something else.

I don't know how to cultivate a relationship where these things are common place or even to recognize in a man the qualities that would lead to this behavior. Is it supposed to be around from the start? Does it grow over time? Any wise words from my happily ensconced followers?

Nothing is ever simple

Now I recognize that the following rant is one of those things that really is a "first world" problem or really not even a problem but rather a good problem to have like having too much money or too much fun or too many friends. Not a bad thing in and of itself but has the potential to be frustrating. Though I don't know how too much money is ever frustrating. ANWAYS...

Last week after I mentioned that I was going to hit the road come Oct 6th. That date might have been a bit premature. When I sat down with my parents (with whom I currently live...and have for the last 2 years during school) to talk about this project switch coasts or switch washington's as the case may be. They brought me back down to reality. Namely the pulled out a calculator. We determined that it is significantly cheaper to fly to the couple of main places I want to visit (Austin, Denver/Boulder and Portland) and then rent a car in WA for a few weeks then it would be to drive my car cross country on an epic road trip.

Being home for Thanksgiving is very important to me (more so then Christmas or any other time). So I came up with a plan that I would spend about 10 days traveling by air and eventually landing at my friend K's place in Steliacoom by Nov 1. And then spend basically Nov 1-21 hunting for jobs out there, making sure I actually like out west and that I haven't just spent 2 years putting WA up on a pedestal and then find out its actually horrid and the people are just as bad as the East Coast DC. I'd rent a car for the 3 weeks I'd be out there and hopefully find a job that could start somewhat after Thanksgiving. If I do find a job and I do like it then I rent a pod, pack up my car and drive it cross country at that point. But at least I won't have to dejectedly drive back for Thanksgiving if things don't work out.

Now, that all being said, I decided all this on Wednesday and went to bed for the first time in MONTHS feeling pretty zen and less at loose ends then I have in awhile. So surprise to me, when the phone rings at work on Thursday and its "Giant Reputable Veterans Organization"calling me wondering if I could set up an interview for a manager position of one of their programs for combat stress. [A time out to say that I have been applying for umpteen jobs with this organization and never heard a peep from them. I had applied to this particular position 6 weeks prior to being called.] Why yes I would like this interview Miss HR rep.

So I had the interview for that job on Friday and made it to the second round which will be conducted this Friday by Skype.  (Skype interviews are strange!) The job will either be in NYC or San Diego most likely. I have a clear preference for San Diego as the job seems awesome on paper (task, salary, benefits etc) but I will turn it down if its located in NYC because I know that I will be miserable there. San Diego has a lot of the things I really like about the West Coast

I will admit that there is a part of me that won't be disappointed if I am not offered this job because I am very excited about my plan to move to Washington and begin a new life there. This makes me feel bad though because in this economy I can't afford to keep turning down jobs (6 thus far) and need to accept an offer soon rather than later so that I can begin being a real adult and getting on this journey. But I have recognized over the last few months that happiness is my number one goal right now and that my location is a big part of that.

Like I said, I'm likely just whining for whining sake. And I am going to continue to rock interviews up until plane tickets are booked. But really is nothing ever simple?

10 Day You Challenge: 1 picture

Last day! I will admit that I wrote the last 5 of these all at one time and scheduled them so this challenge didn't feel quite as challenging for the 2nd week. But I think it was a good way to get my blogging mojo back. I hope it sticks this time! I thought about posting a fun childhood photo but I can't get my scanner to work so I'll just post a recent photo with a cute child (a friend from college's daughter) and hope that she'll distract you from my lack of photogenic qualities!

10 Day You Challenge: 2 Songs

I can only pick 2 songs? I guess I'll just go with 2 songs I'm really enjoying right now. Because I don't know if I could every pick 2 songs that sum me up or anything.

+Skinny Love by Bon Iver

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+Honey Bee by Blake Shelton

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10 Day you challenge: 3 Films

Picking 3 films is a toughie. But somebody's got to do it!

+Grease. I can watch this on mute and still say  most of the dialogue. My childhood best friend and I used to watch this obsessively on repeat. I will admit that in high school I realized that they were talking about sex a lot more in this movie then I had realized at 8 or 9. Every time I watch it I find more things that totally flew over my head as a kid.

+A League of Their Own-I loved playing softball growing up and this movie served as inspiration and aspiration. A couple of summers ago we went to the Baseball Hall of Fame and I was so excited to see the AAGPBL exhibit that they show in the movie. Yeah...there is a tiny corner. It was really disappointing.

 +Love Actually. This movie gives me total hope that despite all the odds Love will find a way. Its a must every Christmas season and generally whenever I'm getting sad at the state of my life.

10 Day You Challenge: 4 Books

Oh god just picking 4 books will be nearly impossible. I think I'll narrow this one down and talk about the 4 series that helped develop me into a good reader as a child. 


+Boxcar Children. This was probably the first series of books I got into as a kid and I own about the first 100 of them. I read them way longer then was appropriate and cannot wait to pass them on to a important child in my life. I love their independence and the mysteries they solved. I always wanted them to turn it into a movie (preferably starring me!)

+Sweet Valley Twins/High-These girls seemed SO cool and awesome and I wanted to be like them. Their life seemed so glamerous. Also during summer camp these books were often read out loud around campfires and overnights.

+Babysitters Club-Who didn't want to have babysitters like them? The TV series was also one of my favorites and on vacation in early high school I met the girl who played Kristy in the series. I loved babysitting as a tween and teen so I wanted to be like these girls!

+Goosebumps. These were always a little gross for me but I liked the scary murdery mystery part of them.

10 Day You Challenge: 5 foods

Again the challenge is a bit vague so I am going to pick 5 foods that I miss a lot now that I have gastroparesis and can't eat a lot of the (fatty) amazing things I used to eat.

+Burgers-Red meat is out of the question because for the most part its too high in fat. I really miss bacon blue cheese burgers but any burger would do!

+Broccoli- I LOVE broccoli but its too fibrous and hard to digest for my poor broken digestion.

+Chicken Divan-in my family we call it chicken cheese and broccoli but its real name is Chicken Divan. Its one of my favorite meals ever. But as it includes velveeta, creme of mushroom soup, and chicken and broccoli its got way to much fat/fiber

+Ham Casserole-this is another family creation but involves creme of mushroom soup, noodles, ham, swiss cheese and its all kinds of amazing. But its got WAY to much fat and dairy for me!

+French fries-I've been able to sneak a few here and there in but I would kill for a big giant plate of steak fries with some ketchup and mayonnaise and just eat them for dinner.