The difference of a year

One year ago today my stomach broke and within a month I was diagnosed with gastroparesis. When I think about all I've accomplished this year despite being so ill I know I can do anything. While I would never have asked for this to happen to me and I wish that things were different. I really have done a lot in a year. So if you'll indulge me (it is my blog after all) a short list of things I've accomplished since diagnosis. Some things are clearly bigger then others but really when I think of who and where I was a year ago. I never ever would have imagined myself here.

• Graduated with my masters
• Worked a full time job, a part time internship and grad school at the same time
• watched 5 of my friends get married (including 2 out of state)
• Traveled back to my favorite place on earth for reunion
• Had my Gallbladder removed
• Moved cross country on a whim, a wing and a prayer
• Turned 26
• Lost 30 pounds
• was selected for an interview for my dream job (regardless of the fact they've not made a decision yet more than 3 months later)
• gotten a fish pedicure
• completely revamped my diet to cut added fat, dairy, red meat, soda, caffeine, alcohol etc
• Passed my Masters exam
• Became a licensed LGSW in the state of Maryland
• Visited 2 places I've never been before

Hopefully I be able to add employed and apartmented here soon. But really looking over the last year I am so grateful for a year of life even if its a different life then I imagined. 

Excitement

Forget getting a job when I get out to Washington. I'm just excited to discover my new town (well if we're getting technical the next one over) has a yogurt shop where 90% of the flavors are lactose and fat free! Which means for the first time since being diagnosed with Gastroparesis I will be able to go out on dates (with myself or others) to get ice cream! We will ignore that the high this week in Steliacoom is only 60 and its supposed to rain all week and the high for the month I'll be out there is 55 but dude! ice cream! out of the house! I think this pacific northwest kind of lifestyle is going to grow on me!

I promise I'll be back blogging with more regularity after Tuesday after I take my LMSW exam (which I'm not confident I can pass so please send good thoughts). I have a pile of tour books I'm really excited to start going through but I said I'm not allowed to look at them until I take the exam. Thanks for being patient!

I'm terrible at blogging

So....its been awhile. I would like to say its because I have been doing amazing and glamorous things. But really its more of the fact that I have been whiney and mopey and otherwise unpleasant to be around and I haven't felt like subjecting the internet world to it.

I will say that my despite my last worry wort post my gallbladder surgery went pretty well all things considered. The recovery was very quick and I never needed anything stronger then Tylenol. It mostly felt like I'd done a sadistic number of crunches. It was slow going walking wise and tough to sit up and lay down for about a week but all an all things weren't bad. The surgery was on Wednesday and my birthday was Saturday and despite the  lack of birthday cake I was able to get out of the house and go to a movie (and watch my friend eat a burrito because dinner was not going to happen).

As for the eating/gastroparesis nonsense, it took about a month and then it felt like a switch got flipped. For the most part about 3/4 of the month I feel pretty good. I haven't vastly expanded my diet (mostly because I am afraid of food still after 8 months of hell) but considering prior to getting my GB out I was in pain and nauseous from broth and plain pasta. During my cycle things are decidedly not good but I'm working on fixing that. I was even able to go to the beach for a week in early August and eat out every night (including sneaking some french fries) without implications. Its been pretty nice. I certainly feel like I hate my life a little less dietary wise. Though I will say in this stressful time of un/underemployment I really miss being able to drink. And regularly eat french fries in large quantities.

On the employment front, I have been interviewed for my dream job with the Army. This will get an entry of its own because its so supremely WTF that I want to go into detail. I have also had 9 more interviews and 3 more job offers that I have turned down for one reason or another. I know that I should be incredibly grateful that I have been offered positions and the number of interviews that I have. They just all happened to not be the right job. 2 of them for Veterans service organizations would have been great jobs but the pay was not adequate for the time put into the position and my experience nor would they have gotten me any closer to my career goal. The 3rd offer was for a county position helping families apply for food stamps, wic, medicare etc which again would be a great job but is not eligible for social work supervision because all those programs are eligibility based and therefore needs assessments don't require social work.

I have a 2nd round interview for a job working with persistently mentally ill adults. It was one of the more intense interviews I've gone on That would provide and qualify for supervision and seems to encourage it. The downside being I can't begin to get supervision until I pass the 6 month probationary period and for every month of supervision they pay for you commit to the same number of months. So I would end up with the organization (and therefore DC) for nearly 5 years. Which isn't what I'm shooting for. We shall see I still have one more interview and subsequent background checks and whatnot.

Mostly my life continues to be on pause waiting for the Army job (see next entry). In the mean time one of my former volunteers who runs his own business has taken pity on me and has hired me as a temp. I hate every minute of being a masters educated glorified intern/receptionist. But its money and an excuse to wear grown up clothes 3 days a week.

Anywhere, that's where I'm at. I would hope that I'm not as silent moving forward but I cant make any promises! I am a terrible blogger!

Deep Breathing

Today is the day. My surgery is at 2 pm today. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't epiclly nervous. There is a lot riding on this being the answer to my digestive issues. Or at least allowing me to expand my diet.

I would really appreciate an prayers, good thoughts or positive juju you can muster today. Both for a successful surgery and for this being a positive step to being able to eat again. And for the anesthesia not to make me too queasy.

Under the Knife

Yesterday wasn't a great day in my books. 

Ted and our Friend Sarah in DC in 2005
(they were dating at the time)

In order to deal with yesterday's suck we have to back track to Friday. Friday was the memorial service for a friend of mine (and the son of my college advisor and favorite professor). Ted was killed in Hilo, HI by a drunk driver. He was 22. You can read more about Ted's beautiful life here. The memorial service was called Tedfest and really captured everything about him. It included balloons, juggling, clowns, a TON of cheesecake (I made a dairy free one so that I could eat some), a pig roast, and lots of memories. 


Anyway, the memorial was up in Pennsylvania where I went to college and on the drive up I got a phone call from my Gastroenterologist. I had a scan for my gallbladder done 2 weeks ago and I had called for the results a week before but nobody would give them to me since I had an appointment in a few weeks. They said if it was urgent they I would have gotten a call. So I was a little confused when I saw them pop on my ID and thought maybe I had written down the appointment wrong and it was a reminder for Monday rather than the following monday. Well it turns out it was the nurse calling with the results of my scan. 


The test I had was the HIDA scan. Its a pretty noninvasive test where they put in an IV give you some radioactive tracer and see how long it takes for your gallbladder to absorb the tracer. The worst part of this is that you have to lay on a VERY hard table completely still for about an hour. I tried to doze and not twitch too much. Once you've uptaken all of the tracer the inject you with something called CCK to see how well your gallbladder functions when you eat. Your body produces CCK naturally when you eat food, especially fatty foods, this part of the test has the potential to suck. I took a zofran before the test so other than feeling a little panicy thinking I might feel awful I didn't notice anything. Other people have talked about intense pain and nausea. 


Anyways, Normal gallbladder function during this part of the test is between 30-35% depending on the lab and the brand of CCK. My functioning was at 13%. Technically this is called Billary Dyskensia. Ouf. That would explain the pain in my right side that alternates between stabbing and a dull ache. Dyskensias are ineffective movement of the bodys. Basically my bile ducts are not performing correctly and when I eat the gallbladder fills up with Bile like its supposed to but then it can't get out. Thus pain. And potentially, nausea, heartburn and all of my other symptoms. 

What does this all mean? My gallbladder has to come out. I meet with a surgeon on Thursday to see when and how that's going to happen. I have been in pretty intense pain and nausea since Friday. So I am hoping that its sooner rather than later because my heating pad and all the anti-nausea meds I have are not working. Last night I resorted to taking way more medication then I probably should have plus some tylenol PM just so I could pass out. So I have a bit of a medication hangover this morning in addition to the pain. 


So that's the latest health update!

Barfy

Barfy. Its what I feel about 75% of the time. Which all things consider isn't to bad considering until recently its about about 95% of the time. I wish this barfy feeling came from being pregnant, even though I'm not even sure I want kids, let alone actually have the kid. Because at least pregnant goes away eventually. Which my Barfy does not.

Why the Barfy feeling? I have gastroparesis. Which unlike this blog from Dr. Oz is not actually a Lazy Stomach. Its a Broken Stomach. Most people digest 90% of their food in 4 hours. I digest roughly 65% of my food. Which means the food sits there rotting and making me feel gross. I have to eat a super low fat/fiber diet (under 5 grams of fat and 3 grams of fiber per "meal") and avoid pretty much anything fun or healthy. The more processed the better as far as my GI tract is concerned. I have trouble meeting my calorie load in any given day which although great for my figure (down 25 pounds since Nov) is actually fairly terrible for functioning. I've gotten to the point where I'm no longer constantly queasy, dizzy or weak but I'm not 100%.

There isn't much medical research or time devoted to Gastroparesis, especially not my variety, idiopathic rather than cause by surgery or diabetes. The most effective treatment for it is Reglan, which causes irreversible twitches and has a severe black box warning on it. I refused to take it. There is another medication domperidone which is not legal in the US except by being in enrolled in a study which I took for a month and it did....nothing...Well it did something, it made my boobs hurt (side effect lactation! what fun), made me super depressed and dizzy. Not the intended effect in the least.

I treat my gastroparesis through a combo of sticking to my VERY no fun diet and acupuncture. My acupuncturist is AMAZING. She has gotten me to the point where I can think about food with flavor and down from taking Zofran 2-3 times a day to 2-3 times a week. I actually recently went 3 weeks without taking a Zofran which is amazing. Though this week has been a little rough and queasy and I've needed one each evening.

I give you all this background because it really monopolized a chunk of my life and its been interesting to learn to navigate with it. From finding food at a restaurant that I can eat--I do a lot of modifying which makes me feel horrible because I hated it as a server in college--to figuring out what I can eat at work to not barf on my clients (turkey sandwich every day except Friday which is pasta Friday in the DFAC). I haven't tried to date yet with it but I imagine having that conversation with a date is going to be awkward. The 4 weddings I have to go to this spring/summer will also be a challenge. So far I've made it through one by picking at the chicken and did manage to eat a piece of cake with regretting it which was a BIG step.

I do however refuse to be limited by my GP. I will continue to work, date, go out to eat etc. I may have to only eat out at Asian, Greek or Italian restaurants but I will make it work. I may not ever be able to have a milkshake, eat a burger or run a marathon but I will get married and make a family.

I own my GP, it doesn't own me!