22 September 2011


Whenever I think of the word inconceivable I always think of The Princess Bride. Especially the line at the end of this montage "You keep using this word I do not think it means what you think it means".

There have been a number of things in my life that I find inconceivable--finding a mate, finding a job that fulfills me, owning a home--but of these finding a mate is the biggest one. I have dated only sporadically in my 26 years and most of these relationships could be called casual at best, if we were being generous. They tended to be complicated with long distance or other assorted baggage which made them either short lived or long drawn out and dramariffic. Its a pattern I'm trying desperately to change but in the meantime it makes it hard for me to conceive of how a real relationship is supposed to work.

Today one of my favorite bloggers tweeted about the flowers that her husband had sent her a work. Which got me to thinking about how I cannot even conceive of a man who would send me flowers out of nowhere "just because" or really if I'm being brutally honest (a strange thing for a semipublic blog) a man who would send me flowers on days of commercial obligation (valentines day, birthday, anniversary etc). The only flowers I've gotten that haven't come from friends or family was the rose I got on Senior night in high school for being a Wrestling Manager and I'm pretty sure there was no romantic intention behind that.

I can conceive of a man who will call me at 2 am for a booty call, a man who will choose Iraq over me, a man who ask for my support while recovering from a serious injury but leave when he's healed, a man who will constantly disregard my interests and manipulate me into seeing his choice of movie or restaurant, etc etc. Just like some women cannot draw up an imagine in their mind of their future home or children or wedding dress. I cannot conjure up in my mind a future man who says "I'm thinking of you when we're not together and I want you to know that."

And honestly before you think this is some sort of gift grubbing post its not about the flowers (though I love gerber daisies future boyfriends take note!) My love language is actually acts of service. But its the fact that someone is thinking about you and cares about you enough to do something nice. The flowers could just as easily be a facebook message, text, tweet, phone call etc its the the thought more than the action.

But I have no conception of what this looks like or feels like. I can't conceive of a man puts his hand on mine as we drive to dinner or reaches up to tuck a stray hair into place. That kind of man feels like the same level of fantasy as Justin Timberlake walking into my office right now and inviting me to grab some lunch. Completely out of the realm of normal possibility.  Reserved for those with something else.

I don't know how to cultivate a relationship where these things are common place or even to recognize in a man the qualities that would lead to this behavior. Is it supposed to be around from the start? Does it grow over time? Any wise words from my happily ensconced followers?

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